nonsensicus: January 2020

Monday, January 20, 2020

Friday, January 10, 2020

emptiness, old age and dream loss

not for the faint of heart
not for those who think they know
definitely not for some computer post
for all the world to see
perhaps there is such a thing as too much honesty
but I just don't care
its not just some fancy words
the truth never lives there

its when you can't see as well as you used to
and you just don't care
its when the stomach is noticeably more curved out
and the muscles are getting smaller
and my super strength is gone
and the skin looks like an old man's, mine I guess
and you just don't care
aches and pains and no lust, no passion
and you really don't care
and now I hear death is apparently closer
and still I just don't care
and my dream love is now a far away lie,
a game I have been played on
an idea I read in a book
and the world is full of beautiful passionate people
all going some where
busy with searching
and I just don't care anymore
maybe I never really did

(she did tell me I never take anything very seriously
and for once I stopped and looked at her
and realised she saw me,
but grandmas can do that kind of thing I suppose)

its like when the clock is busted and the alarm is off
and the meeting is mandatory
and I lie there in the dark
and listen to the rain
because it is beautiful and cold and deadly and real
and I just don't care

and only the light in my soul now seems real
the light in my heart
alone forever I will be, have been
but so what, I don't care
its still there and it grows as I fade from view
it grows more clearly everyday
I can hold it in my mind and watch the flame for a long time now

I have always been a cloud being blown about
and the world is not created by me, I have no power
I am a pawn
I am in the hands of fate, do with me what you will
I just don't care
I just don't care about anything
but love
for every one and everything

of my self
I don't care
don't even believe in it anymore
its probably an illusion

I float out in space
I sit in the rock with the candles
I am still and quiet beyond words
I am my breath and I just pray
I am surrounded by them chanting in the cave
they are there and then not there
but it is getting easier to be with them
I look out at earth
I watch my world slowly turn in the dark
and I know terrible suffering is down there
and I am sorry for you all, and for me
and I have let go
I have let go
and my compassion fills all of me
and I will sit here forever
there is nothing else to do
nothing that can be done
nothing that can be said